This post originally appeared on my tinyletter, Where is my Mind?
I’ve always had too many words. Too many thoughts, too many feelings, too much of everything. I was always overflowing with everything, and it poured out of me every which way, always, overwhelmingly. In silence, the words would crash against the inside of my brain, squeezing my heart. I would write, aimlessly, talk incessantly, fill my ears with noise, look for any way to just find some peace.
I never was able to sleep. I used to lie awake at night, I could never calm my brain down, never find a kind of peace and quiet needed to fall asleep. When I was in college, I would play Solitaire on my computer (Windows ’95!) until I finally was exhausted enough to fall asleep. Now, I play Candy Crush. I try to distract myself so I can finally write or work or just get through what I needed to do.
I started my medication. It’s like the overwhelm of words finally…stopped. And suddenly it was only the words I wanted that were in my head, and I had control over myself and my words and myself. I get into my office and I don’t want to be distracted, I know what I want to do, I want to do it, and I am able to do it. I still get distracted, but it’s easier to get myself back on track, easier to get things done.
I can focus on conversations without my mind flying off in a million different directions at once, making it hard focus. Menial tasks that I dreaded, that I could barely complete (aka adulting) aren’t the overwhelming
I’m writing this right now, at night, and the meds have worn off. It’s taken me way longer than it should have to write barely 300 words. I keep opening new tabs, checking my phone, etc, etc, etc. In the morning, I’ll finish it, and I will forget that my phone is even in my purse and not right next to me, I’ll have twitter going by I won’t be constantly monitoring it from the corner of my eye, I will write and it will be easier insofar as I don’t have to weed through distractions around me, distractions in my own head, to find the right words to type on this page.
I’ve always had too many words. I have as many, still, but they are the right words at the right time. It’s a strange and glorious experience.
I’m no longer overflowing; I’ve increased my size to contain it all.